Homosexual Student In the Closet

Dear Journal,

I put on my abercrombie jeans, my hollister shirt, my prada shoes, and my h&m jacket this morning. I got my eyebrows waxed yesterday so their looking fresh, gelled up my hair so that it wouldn't move a bit, and threw on some lip balm so that my lips would look just right. After forty-five minutes, I was ready to go to school.

I got to school like twenty minutes early so I did what I always did. I sat down with John, Jonathan, Chris, Adisa, and that whole crew. They all kept talking about homecoming, I stayed quiet because I didn't go. "I don't even know her name but she had the fattest ass I've ever seen. On some real shit, she broke me." "Chill, she's fake cuz. You see the girl I was dancing with? Now she's real. Plus, at least I bagged this chick. You got nuffin." "Ayo Will, why didn't your faggot ass go to homecoming?" The one question I didn't want asked to me was just asked.


"I was kicking it with this biddie."
"Word? Is she dope?"
"Yea... she's attractive... I guess."
"Where's she from? Does she have friends? You should put me on?"
"She's from... Andover.... yea yea. She's from Andover."
"Yikes! Never mind then. I'm not trooping it for a female."

I knew that Chris wouldn't know anyone from Andover, hence why I said it. I didn't want them to know what I was really doing and where I really was at during homecoming.

I was really at this boy's house. His name is Dan and I met him not too long ago when I went to this gay club near Fenway with my fake ID. He was nineteen and more experienced than I was. All of his friends and family members already know about him being gay. Dan was trying to give me advice on this subject. "If they're your true friends, they'll accept you for who you are. And your family is going to love you regardless. They kinda have to." This did not make me feel better. I was raised into a Christian family and my family thinks that gay people are sinners. My friends that are boys only talk about girls. And if it's not about girls, it's about sports, none which I play.



If I had the choice to be straight, I would be. I watch my friends talk about girls, how they hook up with them and such, and I wish I could relate. I just want to fit in. I don't want to have to pretend that I'm bagging girls in front of them just so that they wouldn't think anything. "Yo, out of all of us, Will is the best dressed and should be bagging more girls, but his swag just ain't right."



I'm tired of hearing this because my swag is right... just not with girls.

Abusive Relationship

Dear Diary,

He did it again today.




I was happy all day. "Baby, i miss yu so fcken much. I guess thatsz wut happensz wen yur separated frm the 1 wit whom yur in love wit tho." That's the cute little text message that my boyfriend Carlos sent me, I passed my AP calculus test with flying colors, the food at lunch was great, and I didn't have too much homework tonight. Everything was going perfectly.

I felt my phone vibrating during lunch, looked down and saw that Carlos was calling. I got up, ran over to the bathroom, and answered the phone to his wonderful voice. He called because he missed me. Isn't that just the cutest thing ever? I told him that I didn't have a lot of homework today so Carlos decided to take me out to dinner. He told me that he was going to pick me up after school. I was smiling for the rest of the day.

It was after school and Carlos wasn't here yet. I was waiting and waiting when John, a friend from school, came up to me and asked if I wanted to go get a slushie with him. I was sitting around doing nothing so I said yes. While John and I were waiting for our slushies, Carlos called. Carlos said that he was five minutes away so I told John that we should hurry up simply because I know that Carlos would have been pissed.

When I arrived to the school, Carlos wasn't there yet. I said my goodbye to John there just so that Carlos wouldn't see. He arrived a couple of minutes later.

Carlos greeted me with the biggest and most romantic kiss ever. He handed me a single rose and told me that he has been thinking of me all day. We went to the Cheesecake Factory and had an amazing time. After dinner we went to chill at his apartment for a little while before it was time for me to go home.

We started cuddling and began to watch our favorite movie together, Love and Basketball. We started talking and he asked me what I was doing before he got to the school. I hesitated. I knew what he would do if I told him the truth. "What the fuck! What's taking you so long? I asked you a simple question." I looked at him hopelessly. "You were with John huh? HUH? You stupid smut. Is it so hard for you to keep your legs closed?" Carlos pushed me off and stood up. I yelled at him, told him that he's being immature and on that elementary bullshit status. "Grow the hell up. You never see me getting mad when your chilling with all the smuts around your way. But once you see me chilling with another boy you get insecure and..." I never got to finish my sentence.



How is it possible that the person who made me so happy a couple of hours ago just hurt me so bad? How can he tell me that he loves me and then slap/punch me the way he does? I just can't understand. I gave him my heart, I gave him my love, I gave him everything that he ever wanted, but all I ever got in return were some sweet words, cute dates, and bruises.

I love him, I really do. He's my first love and I just don't know how to get over him. I don't want to get over him though because I know that he loves me too. I just wish that everything will work out. I mean why wouldn't it work out? We've been through a lot together already: through the beating, the bruises, the slaps, and the occasional blood. I mean sacrifice is what love is all about right?


He'll stop soon... I swear he will.

Notes - Kid Gets Bullied

Kid Gets Bullied

• isolated from everyone
• self conscious
• afraid to talk to new people
• inability to communicate with others
• problems talking to the opposite sex
• depression
• lack of happiness
• lack of confidence
• constant fear of rejection
• having to explain to one's mom why no one calls the house or ever comes over
• developing trust issues over time

Letter from Mom to Me [Letter 5]

Querida Dorita,

First of all, quiero decirte que te quiero mucho and that I am super proud of you


Dorita, I remember long time ago cuando te conte the story about how I was thinking of aborting ju. Ju were still little at the time and I don't tink that ju understooood me completely. Tu papa wasn't around enough. Siempre estaba trabajando. And thee last thing I wanted was to have another boy. That iis the only reason why those thoughts were going through my head. Tu papa thankfully changed my mind, y tambien mi corazon.

When I first found out that ju weren't going to be a boy estaba feliz. Ay dios mio, my dreams came true. I wus already pictchuring it. Ju helping me out with the deeshes, folding clothes with me, cooking en la keetchen. Tu papa was right and everytheeng turned out goood.

Te nesesito, te quiero, y te amo. Ju are so important en mi life and without you mi vida no tendra sentido. I want ju to know that ju will always have me as a friend and that I will be there for ju en las buenas y en las malas. I will always be there for you.

Gracias for being my daughter, and not only dat pero for being the daughter that most mothers wished they had. You are a excellent hija and I ask Dios everyday que seas that excellent daughter that I know and love.

Que Dios te bendiga y te proteja para siempre. Te amo mucho con todo mi corazon.

Tu Madre,
Irma

Letter to Future Husband [Letter 4]

Dear Hubby,


If I could spend the rest of my life with anyone, it would be with you... no one else but you.


The hugging, the kissing, the loving will be perfect. The screaming, the fighting, the arguing will be hell. The way you leave the toilet seat up is going to irk my nerves and the way I forget to put the cap on the tooth paste is going to irk yours. I'm going to tell you this right now, you're going to piss me off. And when you do piss me off I will either not talk to you or try extremely hard to not be the first person to break the silence.

I will tell you everything straight up. If your shirt is ugly, I will tell you. If the way you're acting is different and it's aggravating me, I will tell you, unlike all the immature females these days. I will be honest with you every single day of our lives. I expect and hope that you be the same way. Do not be afraid to hurt my feelings because I will not be afraid to hurt yours.

I have never been the type of person to cheat. That's not my style. I am a loyal person. If it's you that I said "yes" to then it's you that I will be loving. I will love you with every single beat of my heart. Your smile and your lips will make my heart flutter. The way you say my name will make my heart skip a beat. Looking into your eyes will make me want to fall in love with you all over again and the sound of your heart beat will be playing my favorite song.

I am a cuddler. We will cuddle every night and we will wake up cuddling. While we are watching movies we will be cuddling. When I am mad at you and you don't want me to be, cuddle with me. Hold me and never let go. Tell me that you love me, show me that you love me, cuddle with me like you love me. Cuddling, cuddling, cuddling. I will never get sick of it.

I am not like other females. I will not pick fights with you every second I get or for every stupid little thing that you do. I will try to keep the happiness alive. I will make our marriage interesting, without any boring moments. I will keep you on your toes. I will live life like it's handed to me. I won't have everything planned out and mistakes will definitely be made on my part. I will say insensitive things from time to time.

Do you still love me?


I knew you would.


It wasn't love at first sight and I didn't know that I was going to marry you after our very first date. Shit, knowing me I probably was second guessing even going out for a second date. You didn't sweep me off my feet and I wasn't amazed with your good looks. You didn't have a gold glow are your face and romantic music wasn't playing when we first kissed. You took me out to a cheap restaurant and the food was awful. We didn't have a fairytale beginning, but I know that we will have a fairytale ending.


I love you,
Wifey <3

Letter From Mother to unborn Baby [Letter 3]

Dear Baby,


When I first found out that I was pregnant, I made a promise. That promise was that I would write about my pregnancy at least once a month. And then I promised that I would give you what I wrote for your 18th birthday. Your reading this eighteen years from now. I hope that after reading these letters, you never doubt my love.

Month #1

I'M PREGNANT !!! I just found out. I am extremely excited, but nervous at the same time. I have yet to tell your father. I'm kind of afraid of his reaction. What if he's not excited as I am? That's the only fear that I have. I think I'm going to wait a while. Maybe I'll tell him next month... I love you.

MONTH #2

I just told your dad. I'm so happy with his reaction. He hasn't stopped smiling since. The second I told him, he called his entire family. Your grandma and grandpa from your daddy's side are coming over next week. They are excited too. You're going to be their first grand son or grand daughter. They can't wait... I love you.

MONTH #3

Honestly, life couldn't get any better right now. I'm being treated like a queen. Anything I want, I get it. The morning sickness is starting though. And so isn't the nausea. It's truly a horrible feeling, but I'll go through it all, as long as I have you in the end... I love you.

MONTH #4

I am not in the mood for much now. Everything is hitting me hard. Your father is working double shifts, day and night, just so that we can have enough once you're born. Hopefully once your born everything will go well. A great big happy family, that's how I imagined my family. Me staying at home taking care of you, while your dad is out working. I'll start working after you're about four. I want to see you grow, I want to be there to witness everything... I love you.

MONTH #5

I was sitting down today, thinking about the day you're going to be born. Thinking about your first tooth, your first time crawling, about your first time sitting up on your own. Just thinking about these things makes me want to push the fast-forward button, just so I can experience it all... I love you.

MONTH #6

WOW! My tummy is getting bigger everyday. Every where I go I have people asking me whether you're a boy or a girl, whether they can rub my belly or not, if they can rub my belly. Of course I tell them, because when ever I answer these repetitive questions, it reminds me of how happy I'm going to be once your in my arms... I love you.

MONTH #7

The last thing I ever wanted to happen happened. Your daddy and I were on our way to Macy's when a car crashed into us. I was rushed to the hospital. I was bleeding from my forehead, but you were the only person I worried about. I anxiously awaited as they ran tests after tests after tests. They said you would be fine... I love you.

MONTH # 8

Walking up and down the stairs has never been this hard. Trying to sleep is even harder. It takes me forever just to find the perfect spot. I guess that's what happens when I gain fifty pounds... I love you

OCTOBER 13, 2008 !

"I CAN SEE THE HEAD!" shouted the doctor. Tears fell down my cheeks as I pushed harder. The fact that your head was now visible inspired me. I've never pushed that hard in my life. I was in labor for eleven hours. The pain was horrific. The screams were mind boggling. The outcome was worth it all...


... I love you.

Love Forever and Always,
Mami <3

Letter from aborted baby to mother [Letter 2]

Dear “Mommy,”

I would have been fifteen today.

Notice how I put mommy in quotes. I put it in quotes because that’s what you would have been if you grew the balls to have me. Don’t try to explain yourself because I already know the reasons why you aborted me. Is being nineteen years old a good enough reason to you? Honestly, I find that so pathetic. You said that you were too young to have a baby. Apparently you weren’t too young to open your legs.

I know I sound mad. Wanna know why? Because I am. The decision you made was selfish. The only person you thought about was you. You were afraid of struggling. You didn’t want to be one of those mothers that survived off of food stamps. I hope you’re happy. Because you’re not one of those mothers, in fact you’re not a mother at all.

I could have been a doctor, a lawyer, a singer, or something. I could have been making large amounts of money. It makes me sad because these are all things that I could have been doing, but I can’t, because you never gave me the opportunity to be able to or even try these things. Who knows what the future may have held for me? Now, neither of us will know, simply because you took my life away.


I’m looking down from heaven right now, and I’m jealous. I’m watching you interact with your two kids: Luis, an eleven year old and Jorge, a six year old. I could have been a part of that happy family that you guys have. But I was the one that was unfortunate enough to be eliminated.


I just have one question ask. I want an honest answer.



Do you regret it?



Love always,
Your mistake.